I was sure our love would be forever, so when I walked in on him making out with some guy from work (who also had a boyfriend-so what gives, man?), I had no choice but to rush out of his apartment. I spent the next two weeks trying to get our relationship back on track, which seemed like the most stoic and grown-up thing to do.
As it turns out, cheating is the most common reason for divorce. Roughly 2% to 4% of spouses have had a sexual affair with someone else within one year of in Current Opinion in Psychology.
However, just because a partner cheat doesn’t mean the relationship will end. According to the American Association for FT), many relationships continue after a partner cheats. In fact, some relationships tend to be stronger and more intimate after therapy.
So, why do people cheat? Here’s what you should know about why one partner decides to cheat on the other and what to do after it happens.
Know That It Isn’t All Black and White
In my pain, I decided that the man who cheated on me was evil and dark-hearted. What a bad person, I thought, condemning him to a life of painful toil and misery.
But in actuality, an unequivocal view of infidelity isn’t the most honest way to look at it, explained sex therapist Vanessa Marin.
“We have a really black-and-white way of looking at infidelity,” said Marin. “But it’s important for us to see that there are a lot of shades of gray to it.”
“People who cheat, they’re not terrible, evil, horrible people. There are plenty of really great, wonderful people who cheat, as well,” added Marin. “People do bad things. That doesn’t make them bad people.”
They’re Feeling Trapped
“I had tried to break up with him several times, and he kept telling me we should stay together,” said Gloria. “He also said I’d never find anyone better. I felt really trapped.”
“I needed a release,” recalled Gloria. “I told my partner right away, and that really sealed the deal on our relationship ending.”
But Marin said that cheating is rarely that cut-and-dry. Marin often worked with couples where one or both partners were sexually unsatisfied or not reasonably meeting their partners’ needs. Still, those aren’t the only relationships in which Marin saw infidelity occur.
“We tend to think that people cheat because they’re unhappy in their relationships. And that certainly can be true, but the reality is more complicated,” explained Marin. “It’s important we recognize there are plenty of people in perfectly happy relationships who also cheat.”
They’re Feeling Lost
According to Marin, many people who cheat aren’t looking for something they’re missing in their relationship. Instead, the person cheating is dealing with issues about themselves.
Per the AAMFT, it is common for the partner who cheats to experience low self-esteem, which can lead to feelings of shame and worthlessness.
“They’re feeling lost in some way,” explained Marin. “Or they’re feeling disconnected with some part of themselves. And so they look for an affair to fill some missing gap, fill some hole, help them figure out something going on within themselves. There may not be an issue in their relationship with their partner at all.”
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According to Marin, if you’ve been cheated on, it doesn’t mean anything wrong with you. Though cheating often involves sex, it’s rarely about the sex itself. It’s more about having someone new providing attention.
Take for example: The cheating partner has been in a relationship for an extended period. In that case, it may be about the excitement of an unexpected attraction.